In this episode of Zero to Traction, JDM, Cameron, and Cass tackle the legendary Pirate Metrics (AARRR!) and turn real-world funnel fails into actionable fixes.
✅ What Pirate Metrics actually are—and why you keep mixing up “activation” and “acquisition”
✅ 4 real funnel fails and how to fix them like a boss
✅ How to diagnose where your funnel is leaking users (and money)
✅ Why a great value prop still fails if your landing page smells like broken dreams
✅ What to do when your freemium users love you—just not enough to pay you
Also: Cass roasts your funnels with the casual cruelty of a 2 a.m. microwave burrito, JDM explains why most “minimum viable products” are just minimum, and Cameron tries to emotionally recover from being in the SaaS Friend Zone.
Funnel Fails and Fixes
⚠️ Fail #1
“Solid ad traffic, but no one’s signing up.”
🚧 Possible issues:
Landing page messaging mismatch
Poor CTA placement
Value prop not resonating
🛠 Fix it:
Make sure your landing page cashes the check your ad wrote
Create campaign-specific pages with matching copy
Use problem-based and solution-based ads to isolate the issue
⚠️ Fail #2
“People sign up… and disappear into the void.”
🚧 Possible issues:
Activation friction
Bad onboarding
Confusing UI or dead-end UX
Value delivered the wrong way
🛠 Fix it:
Introduce checklists, tooltips, or concierge onboarding
Reevaluate your how, not just your what
Replace blank screens with guided empty states
Check if your user has to jump through hoops just to get value
⚠️ Fail #3
“Great retention! No usage.”
🚧 Possible issues:
No urgency to act
Tab hoarding disguised as product stickiness
Features overloaded or poorly surfaced
🛠 Fix it:
Add urgency (deadlines, expiring trials, nudges)
Use behavior triggers to bring users back to value
Consider whether your product is a vitamin instead of a painkiller
⚠️ Fail #4
“They love us… but won’t pay.”
🚧 Possible issues:
Too much value in the free tier
Pricing plans not aligned with perceived value
Problem not painful enough to justify spending
🛠 Fix it:
Audit your tier structure: is your freemium too generous?
Try nudging users with a lower-priced mid-tier
Explore usage-based or outcome-based pricing strategies
Interview freeloaders—figure out what would get them to pay
💬 Frivolous Thoughts
And, of course, it wouldn’t be Zero to Traction without ending with frivolity:
Cass wants to know: If you microwave a burrito at 2am and no one hears it, are you still making good life choices? (Spoiler: Probably not.)
Cameron gives a standing update on the Sacramento Kings and their rollercoaster playoff hopes
JDM shares his reading life-hack: Kindle Unlimited and late-night Tolkien sessions… all part of Amazon’s freemium funnel strategy
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